new demons to battle

WOOF. what do you say when youre angry, sad, confused & have absolutely zero energy to hold any of the above emotions at all?

im glad i waited a few days to update, because there have definitely been some angry moments of reflection. superman juic

its no secret i havent been feeling well at all lately. i wake up in the middle of the night & start to blow chunks all over. im uncomfortable in any sleeping position. the pain in my body combined with the wounds i have going up in to my colon have put a huge dent in my sleep. im talking maybe an hr or 2 a night. it literally feels like my butt has teeth & it is chewing shards of glass.

after an exam on tuesday, the doctor got me going on 2 forms of chemotherapy that will hopefully aid in the healing of the significant issues ive been having with a fistula & a fissure. after hearing several sighs an “oh my gosh” and a “we need to repair that right now” i felt less than thrilled about what i may hear. he did tell me i need to have it repaired, but how much depended on how my body decides to respond to the remicade. in order to avoid complicated surgery, i need to start them both immediately to avoid further damage & hopefully stop it from spreading to the greater part of my colon. we will know within 6 weeks if they are working. i have a good feeling about this doctor; he was kind, he did his research about my case & expressed genuine concern to meeting my needs. i truly feel as if my journey to remission is so close.

in an effort to save the part above my rectum that has not been damaged yet, i started Remicade (today) again in addition to mercaptopurine (6-mp). i will know within 6 weeks if this fixes my fissure & fistula.

he did say we are taking a chance by starting remicade (infliximab) over again, since it has failed me once. but in the 3-4 years i was on it, it was probably the closest to remission i had experienced since i was diagnosed. to spare me some costs, were trying to avoid more genetic blood tests, since they are NOT covered by insurance & usually run upwards of $1000 each. i also risk the chance of having a severe reaction, after stopping it for so many years & developing anti-bodies to it.. but if i dont start NOW, i will lose part or most of my rectum and colon. (now you see why i advocate?) by the time we would receive the general genetic markers & anti-body tests, the damage may already progress, so.. were risking it. i need the medications & i need them now. i started the oral pill immediately on wednesday & had my first loading dose of the infusion today and will have another in 2 weeks.

for now, im on a liquid diet in an effort to try and not have any output, as to no irritate the area more than it is already. i am hungry, and weak and im tired. i came home from my infusion and i slept like a rock for a solid half hour.

im not sure i have more to say than that.. now its a waiting game.  im angry, i have no energy, i dont sleep; even sitting down it feels like im getting a rectal exam, but with a cactus instead fingers. i cant run – while my team has just begun practice last week, i can barely even move without losing an alarming amount of blood. ive been puking on & off for weeks & have at least 8 or 9 mouth ulcers. knowing i have 6 more weeks of waiting and feeling like this makes me mentally drained. i found myself at my desk on wednesday welling up in tears and i had not even been thinking about it. by the time i made it to the bathroom, i was sobbing. it hit me like a ton of bricks that i may lose part or all of my rectum for something that seemed so minute not long ago.

on a mission for remission!



17 thoughts on “new demons to battle

  1. Keep on keeping on. You’ll get there. Wising you well. Infliximab is more toxic tan Humira, (adalimumab) will your insurance cover that? there’s less chance of a reaction. Purplepower!


    • ive been on Humira several attempts & i seem to be allergic to it.. #bummer… and i politely disagree that Humira is less toxic. i have long-term lung damage from it.


      • Humira is human antibodies, infliximab is mouse antibodies, so while both are toxic, humira has less chance of an allergic reaction. Although, definitely sucks you’re allergic.


  2. Hang in there! It’s okay to be angry, and you’re under no obligation to be strong all the time. My fingers are crossed that this new regimen works quickly, and works well. In the meantime, you know your body, so you know what to do to try to take care of yourself. Team Challenge will be around for a long time- the important thing is getting you to remission so you can actually enjoy it! Remember, you’re not alone and you’re not forgotten. Rest up!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. good luck on your current treatment…it can get so frustrating not knowing any answers…as chronic illness peeps were all to familiar with the waiting game and hoping unfortunately! hope it works! if you need to talk let me know, feel better soon


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