i capitalize Remission for a number of reasons, but the main reason being i see it as a state, a royal majestic state. if you read much of my writing, im sure youre annoyed by my constant writing habit of writing in all under case, with very few exceptions.
as much as i hate to admit it, there is no way around “if”. “if i knew what being in Remission meant.. “if i had enough energy to finish my day as strong as i started it”.. i think every single day, i find myself finishing my “if” quandaries differently. “if” is one word i one delete from the language of chronic illness. its so limiting, so restricting.
many days, Remission to me, means reminding myself of the things im not able to do. and. this. sucks. who wants to be reminded constantly of the things they are unable to do, and even worse, condemn themselves from doing these actions? im my own worst critic. its an awful feeling having to doubt or deny yourself things you deserve to be happy in life.
my daydreams of Remission are vivid.. soft puffy clouds, cats riding unicorns, sparkly ice cream cones floating in the air, mountains of cheese flowing like lava into the streets, dancing orchestras on Fat Tuesday, huskies saying “i love you”, playing dizzybats with old coworkers and havings drinks at the bar winning dart tournaments at Wolskis….. living freely without hesitation.
Remission to me means being able to wake up in the morning and jump out of bed & having the ability of walking out the door with no medications. instead, i pick up my heavy sack off the floor before i leave, knowing i will need at least 3 of the 8 bottles of medication in it before noon.
Remission means no puking, or spending 60% of my days in pain. Remission means food. Remission means being able to be in public and not be disgusted by the smell of other peoples that i cant eat. Remission means no lung issues, chronic rotten infections, days spent hurdled up in bed, or nights spent crying on the bathroom floor. Remission means allowing myself grumpy days that are completely unrelated to my health – & really happy days celebrating my ability to breathe freely. Remission is a sigh a relief. Remission is family, friends & never cancelling plans. Remission is Hope, a Future. Remission is smiles. Remission means normal.