throughout the past 9 months, ive used my energy sparingly. ive had ups & down and through the times ive spent in between trying to heal, there have been many moments of acceptance, and sometimes of denial.. cycling the stages of healing.
the past few weeks ive done a damn good job of putting my smile on (sincerely meaning it). ive learned over the past year how reliant people have become on my advocacy…. texts, calls, email beeps in the middle of the night from scared patients, some people need emergency advice & some that just really need to hear that they will get through the night without their pain killing them. let me be clear: i in NO way, shape or form would change this.though i dont have an ostomy, ive been able to help other with them with other aspects of how their IBD affects them. if there is a patient/friend who needs help & i cannot answer, i find out the information for them, or connect them to the right person. i am the type of person that will not rest until ive thought of a solution where i am able to bring at least 2 good options back to them instead of just the problem. im solution-oriented; and when i cant answer…. i research until my brain is fried. there are times that it is SO clear to me God gave me this life because i AM strong enough to live it, but i am also encouraging enough to make others feel that one day they will also feel the same way.im exhausted being there for people while trying to keep control over my physical, mental & social life…. but i chose this life of advocacy because no one needs to feel alone living miserable for an extended period of time. when the stress builds, ive become good at recognizing that & knowing when i need a backdrop of crickets.
living with chronic illness, there are two choices to have: be a victim or .. in real life terms… life lessons with chronic illness are comparable to being a colander in how you would drain water from noodles, fat or the rest of something that doesnt belong. when you go through struggles that give you opportunity, use your colander to dump out the excess stress and keep in the bowl the things youd like to learn from that experience.. things that will help you overcomes obstacles in the future.
the figurative mask i wear at work, while im out with friends & in public.. i dont do it necessarily on purpose to deceive people. you may very well not know that i spent the entire morning puking out what i ate before, in the bathroom before i went out for the night (NOT getting read) or walking as straight as i can when my hip hurts..
this week i pretended not to have a disease (you do this a lot, as often as you can) but there are days when this works better than others. this week was no different than any other, but i tried, overwhelmingly. though i had a very bad weekend last, i was determined to make it a good one this week, slowly but surely.
lately, my hands feel like theyve been crushed multiple times in a large vice. ive been trying just about every suggestion to keep them comfortable, but i wont know more until my appt with my rheum this week, where we’ll be upping the methotrexate again. its hard to hold pens, they stiffen or cramp at the worst time using them at work & its impossible to do my hair.. you dont know what pain is until youve braided a long pony tail over and over and over. im not ashamed to admit i cried every time i tried. in the past 6 months, ive had other people even do my hair because it is so frustrating & painful. i think mom is starting to get it when i have the hand flars.. not that she ever didnt, but she like most people assumed towards the beginning that the warm water and soap would be good therapy.. this week i even let her braid it (getting me to sit through a hair brushing or braiding my hair when i was little was like trying to baptize a cat…. things havent changed much).my pain scale was off the charts in my hands & left hip this week, but i moved about my business anyway.
played piano for a 1/2 hour every day. frustrating to re-learn something you havent touched in over 12 years but i promised myself i would do it. not only does this increase blood flow to my fingers, but its the best workout for my thumbs right now, which are the most affected. (shout out to Pat & all my amazing family to help make that happen…… even though there is a creepy lady that comes on & tells me “come play” when i forget to turn it off.
went to the driving range with some girls from work & lasted about 45 minutes before i totally lost my grip. the 3 of us wanted to do the 9 hole course the range had behind it, so i happily went along for the walk. i put on a few miles that day so i didnt feel too bad, since im still a few weeks out from running.. the lack of activity is really getting to me & leaves a lot of time to overthink things. (august cant come soon enough).
this weekend i went kayaking down the Wolf & had a blast. by the end of our trip i couldnt walk nor nearly hold by paddle, but it was a BLAST. when you hang around people without the issues you have to worry about, it feels so great to forget about it & just live. im thankful for friends that see beyond my disability & are willing to ask me if id like to go along anyway, even if ive declined their offers 50 times previously.
being active with any kind of autoimmune disease or chronic disease can be hard. i never know when im going to need to use the bathroom next, so i plan my running routes around where i know permanent restrooms are or where the port-o-potties are. during the summer i lived here, i knew exactly where each pit stop was from my house to lambeau field & back. the ONLY time ive ever had a problem was the day they took all the ports out of the parking lots & was left running to the nearest gas station.
wear your roadID, use your roadID app or an identification bracelet when youre in public & happen to find yourself sick. i hate having to wear it, but my medical alert bracelet goes with me no matter how far from home im running – it may save my life one day. when i run, using the roadID app, it will notify my emergency contact if ive stopped and have no activity for a certain number of minutes.
do your stretches, properly any time you are moving about. foam rollers might be your worst enemy, but they will soon be your friend once you find your rhythm. low resistance exercise may be the only form youre able to do while you flair. meditate, do yoga… keep your mind moving & your joints too. “motion it lotion!”
my rheum told me to try massage therapy….. while i wish my first one would NOT have been after a day kayaking several miles, any other day it would have felt amazing. this appt was scheduled months & months ago and couldnt cancel it, so i went anyway. DO NOT DO THIS.
whatever is it youre doing being active, bring water on your water pack, 3 miles or 13.1 miles; biking, running, or doing yoga. im amazed how many strangers have stopped when i take a pit stop & dont look too good.. seeing kindness in strangers is amazing during runs.
also, high five passerby’s. always high five.